The · Diurnal · Meanderings · of · Frater · Ormus

As you may have undoubtedly noticed, I haven't had much free time in which to post on a regular basis as I often did in the past. So much has gone on and I'm not really sure where to begin.

Actually, I'm going to put off the catching up until another day, if you don't mind.

For now, I want to ponder on "He who hesitates is lost".

I have a female friend whom my heart has fallen for. However, this hasn't been the first time it has fallen for her. However, when once I did have a window of opportunity I totally missed it because I hesitated. Now, I have the fortune of being granted another chance.

So why is it that I am filled with so much fear and apprehension that I find myself hesitating yet again?

Am I just a coward? Am I just afraid of getting my hopes and dreams dashed? Am I legitimately concerned that if it doesn't work out that I will lose a friendship I've come to value greatly? Do I feel like I don't deserve something that will make me happy? Do I feel like I have nothing to offer, nothing to give? Am I just afraid I'm going to creep her out/traumatize/frighten her away? Am I just over-thinking things again?

My stomach is all in knots and I feel like an awkward teenager again.

Inside I know I'm ready to jump head-first into the deep-end of the pool, but how does one take that first step?

It’s Friday the 13th, and everything makes perfect sense now as it has been the single worst morning in my entire life. (And I’m not exaggerating by any means when I say that…it truly, genuinely was THE WORST morning in my life!!!) I totally want to go home and die and forget this day ever happened. Unfortunately I have to wait until my clothes dry before I can do that…

Don't ask!!!

I thought it was going to be a great day since I felt great when I woke up. I even left for work early… Oh wait! That was my mistake. Good things have happened to me every time in the last two weeks that I left for work late. I should have known only bad things were lying in wait for me if I were to leave early.

Well, hopefully I will feel more cheerful come later in the day because right now I want to curl up under a rock and not come out for a very long time. (I'm going to try to remain optimistic and not ask if it could possibly get any worse!)

Dear Senator,

 

I am writing to you about a very serious matter that demands your immediate attention. By now, no doubt, you have heard the repetitive cries of such lobbyists as the Recording Industry Artists of America (R.I.A.A.) and the Motion Picture Association of America (M.P.A.A.) about the threats that Peer-2-Peer (P2P) File Sharing Networks have upon the Intellectual Property they are entrusted to protect. They have beseeched you time and time again that piracy costs their industry billions of dollars annually and affects not just their own industry, but the damage supposedly extends much farther affecting even the livelihood of corn farmers and equipment manufacturers as well. Dear Sir, I write to let you know that this is just the tip of the iceberg and our great nation is very much in danger of sinking faster than the Titanic.

 

You see, when someone downloads an album or a movie online, they aren’t just committing petty-theft or the electronic equivalent of shoplifting. Yes, they could buy that same CD or DVD at Wal-Mart for $10, and shoplifting said CD or DVD would put the industry out the same amount. However, both the R.I.A.A. and M.P.A.A. insist that when someone downloads the same CD or DVD off the internet using P2P File Sharing Networks they are actually costing the industry approximately $15,000 per disc! Upon hearing these seemingly preposterous claims, I have come to realize that a far greater evil needs to be addressed before it is too late for us all.

 

You see there are many greater threats to Intellectual Property going on right beneath our noses. These threats are costing American businesses not just a few petty billions of dollars but rather trillions of dollars annually. Something must be done quickly to protect American business interests from these threats. Legislation is the only way this can be done.

 

What are these threats, you ask? They are numerous and great and I shall share with you but a small sampling. The American people, the vile criminal minds that they are, have a penchant for a Do-It-Yourself mentality. This affects us all. When a person chooses to fix something, say their own car, for example, rather than take it t the mechanic, they are cheating not only the mechanic out of their livelihood, but the part companies that supply him and the Motor companies that he must license with. When an American chooses to grow his own vegetables in a backyard garden, they are stealing from millions of American farmers they put out of work, and the millions who build the farm equipment they use, and the billions of dollars that Monsanto would surely make if it weren’t for those pesky home gardeners. What about those repugnant Public Libraries that freely allow Americans to steal from Publishers and Authors without paying to buy their books? By allowing Public Libraries to exist, you are sentencing Book Stores, Distributors, and Publishers everywhere to certain death, not to mention the end of the entire Timber Industry. Whenever an American watches television for free and doesn’t buy each and every one of the various goods advertised in the commercials they are not only stealing from the advertisers who paid for the shows they enjoy, but costing every single one of those industries trillions of dollars in potential sales annually. The worst offenders, however, are the children of our country. Every year they cost the Toy and Video Game industries trillions of dollars annually by using their imaginations instead of buying more of their goods.

 

There are many other such threats as well, but let these few examples suffice for now.

 

Consider also the affect these forementioned actions has upon Tax Revenue at the municipal, state and federal levels! The American people are cheating this country out of billions of tax revenue with their thievery by doing things themselves, gardening, using public libraries, ignoring commercials and using their imaginations!

 

How can you justify your support in protecting the financial interests of the R.I.A.A. and the M.P.A.A. and their losses of a few paltry billion dollars when trillions are being lost every year by these other gross offenses?

 

I call for immediate action against Do-It-Yourselfers, Home Gardeners, Public Libraries, Couch-Potatoes and Children. The tools that they use pose an immediate threat to the livelihood of countless millions of tax-paying workers. Legislation must be passed banning the tools and methods they use to steal from the livelihood of others. Tools, seeds, libraries, computers, remote controls and imagination each must be federally controlled or outright banned to protect the bottom line of American businesses and ensure that America remains financially strong. For if we don’t consume more than we create then it could spell financial ruin for us all.

 

Once upon a time King George had a reliable source of income to help him build England’s great empire. When a bunch of uppity revolutionaries refused to pay taxes and committed acts of terrorism against shipments of tea from the Far East Trading Company, he had to take drastic measures to protect the financial interests of his country’s businesses and protect English jobs, revenue, and taxes. Our forefathers fought hard and gave their lives so that we too could do the same some day to protect our very own reliable sources of taxable income. Even though we built this fine nation on innovation, ingenuity and hard-work during the Industrial era, we must now protect those industries that have fallen behind and lack the innovation or ingenuity or are too lazy to adapt and change to compete in a Free Market society. Darwinism tells us that animals that refuse to adapt inevitably go the way of the dinosaur. Therefore, you must do something for  these businesses that refuse to adapt their business practices and make their products more appealing and marketable, before they end up extinct, leaving millions of Americans without a way to feed their families and a U.S. Government without any way to fund it’s war-mongering ways.

 

I remind you that once upon a time, King George realized that each and every American was nothing less than a thieving criminal, and even today the R.I.A.A. and M.P.A.A. insist the very same. If the twin daughters of President Bush have themselves stolen from the R.I.A.A. and M.P.A.A., it is only a matter of time before your children and mine do the same. Yet, I have shown you numerous other examples of how each and every one of us is continuing to steal from American businesses and even our own government that are far greater in reach and scope. Action must be taken promptly. We are counting on you to save us all from ourselves.

 

Your humble wage-slave,

 

Mark O. Garrison, Esq.

 

Thursday night approacheth and I thought it best to round up the troops. As it has been over 5 weeks since my last venture out and about on the town, and nothing short of being struck by the #10 Bus is going to make me miss going out tonight.

For those of you still sitting on the fence, I thought I would give you 10 Good Reasons why you should go out to Ground Zero tonight.

Top 10 Reasons to Go Out to Ground Zero on "Freak Night"

1. I'm going to be there! (What more do you want from me? A lap-dance?).


2. $1.50 Well Drinks before 10:30!


3. Where else in the Rogue Valley are you going to get your Industrial/Goth/Alternative groove on?


4. DJ Jim making the moves on the ladies


5. More goths than you can shake a stick at


6. Dougie with his piano scarf and fanny pack


7. Strippers from across the street coming over after work to have some fun


8. The Hour of Desperation!


9. Debauchery, debauchery and more debauchery


10. And of course, the After-Parties (if you are kewl enuf to be invited!)

Special thanks to webmistressbanshee

A Dark Victorian Dream: The Journey

My tale shalt begin not much different from any other tale really, but somewhere relatively towards the beginning of events to be attentitive to the needs of those who still perceive the world and the passage of time in a linear fashion.

Likewise, to be further courteous to my dear readers I shalt break my tale up into chapters as is the tradition in such recountings, so as to not overwhelm you with a veritably verbose tome of rather inhumanly and unwieldy length.

As the sun descended the Western horizon on Thursday, our usual weekly routines were dutifully forsaken to make the final preparations for what was to lay before us. All through the caliginous night we each frantically and furiously cut apart expensive and luxurious fabrics, drew our very life's blood with needles as we attempted to sew together those threads which would adorn us at the Ball yet to come. No Faerie Godmother's or church-mice turned into seamstresses were to assist us in our toil that lasted well past the coming dawn.

Alas, for me, all my efforts were for naught. I had not a single piece finished to accompany me to Convergence. I had nothing but street clothes to wear, condemned to be humbled as a Dark Prince dressed as but a meager Pauper in tattered rags. If it were not for the sleep deprivation and the grim determination that remained to hold me together, I surely would have shed more than just a tear.

I gathered together my shattered dreams in an final attempt to muster together the last remaining vestiges of determined defiance at the strands of that cruel Mistress Fate which she hath weaved ever since I first decided to take this journey. Pernicious illness, battered and bruised friendships, captious responsibilities of work, problematical arrangements, the daedel scheduling of the care of my beloved daughter, unexpected drainages upon finances, and now nary a stitch to wear all were thrown in my way to cause me to stumble and to test my mettle.

So, with my head held high I swallowed my pride and stayed the course, ready to accept what lay in wait for me next.

Thankfully, however, the rest was to be smooth sailing upon halcyon waters, other than getting a much later start than we had originally anticipated.

The Road to Convergence XIII was indeed long and arduous but we bore the travels well, being no worse for the wear despite a five hour voyage to the far end of our fair state.

Portlandia, the goddess of commerce, welcomed us into her gentle embrace as she smiled down upon us from her loft upon a sky-skraper (queue Underworld's "Sky Skraper, I Love You" now).

We found a place to park our chariot and got checked in to the Hilton. I was thankful that in the end I had packed light being that Aaron and I both had to resort to our gentlemanly duties of bearing the burden of the steamer trunks of clothing the fairer species had brought with them. After we deposited our luggage and Whilst the others explored the amenities of our room, I hurried myself down to the Roll-Call to pick up my laminate so that I might attempt a belated appearance at the Eldergoth Reunion.

I fell to despair as I got to the Bistro Lounge. The place was so packed that there was naught a single body's worth of standing room left. Besides, the painful realization that I was grossly underdressed for the weekend festivities become overtly manifest. So, I hastily made for the door and retreated to the sanctuary of the hotel room to contrive a strategical artifice to bear me through the conference just beginning.

The Night of a Hundred Elixirs was almost at hand and time was fugacious and no longer on my side.

To be continued...

I have returned, albeit reluctantly, from Convergence XIII.

No words can express right now all that which I experienced.

Suffice it to say, for now, that I am alive although exhausted. I did not get many pictures to document my extended weekend in the fair land of Portlandia, but I brought back many a memory which I will share once I have fully recovered and caught up on my sleep.

It does feel nice to be back and I wanted to express that of all the things I missed whilst I was away, I was most surprised to discover I actually missed my roomie Grokster the most.

Well, skipping the Thursday Night Report again. I promise I'll post it tomorrow time permitting.

For now, I want to express my feelings of loneliness.

I threw a party and no one showed up. Well, at least no one I invited, besides Sooz. Everyone either gave a myriad of excuses why they couldn't come or RSVP'd that they would be coming but decided at the last minute to throw their own party. Ugggh!

So now, I'm in a houseful of people I don't even know who apparently all know eachother. So, therefore, I'm excluded from their tight little clique and am sequestered to the grill cooking away for complete strangers.

Uh okay.

I just hope Wendy makes it back from the Liquor Store with more booze soon. I am in desperate need of a refill right about now.

SIGH

I'm not going to throw a party again any time soon.

I'm sure I'll be fast asleep by 9 on a Friday night.

I really shouldn't be posting an LJ entry now before I post about my wonderfully entertaining weekend but I really need to get something off my chest...

Emo sucks!!!

You know, I'm tired of catering to the (over) sensitivities of others *ALL* the fucking time. It takes too much mental overhead to always be walking on shards of broken glass around others and having to deal with one never-ending emotional melodrama after another which isn't even mine to begin with. I'm tired of having to ask repeatedly, "I angered who? WTF??? Oh gawd, what did I say or didn't say or do *THIS* time that hurt them?"

I think a Three-strikes rule is applicable here.

Granted, we all have our overly sensitive moments where we occasionally take things totally the wrong way. I do it too. However, most people get over it in a day or two. I'm not talking about those folks. I mean the ones who hold grudges for long periods of time, who attempt to manipulate you, make you feel guilty so you do what they want, and to show that you are their tool they make you grovel and apologize for some melodrama that you weren't even personally involved with in the first place.

Take some emotional accountability you whiny bastages!

Frankly I don't care who is sleeping with whom at the moment, who is backstabbing who, who is not on speaking terms with whom, who it is okay to talk with this week without angering someone else, what your ex did to you this time, or who one's flavor-of-the-month might be. I'm officially tearing up all my scorecards and don't give a flying fuck anymore. Don't tell me because I don't particularly care. If you want my friendship so that you can use me as a tool in your unfolding on-going dramas then don't even bother.

All friends are now allowed no more than three emotional melodramas they can try involving me in before I become totally indifferent to them and don't give a shit anymore. Done!

I did get to sleep some despite having to finish up some final touches on the work I had done the morning before.

That out of the way, I was hoping to have a nice relaxing day playing video games and eating pizza.

Gah! Such was not meant to be. Wendy needed me to summon money and the cupboards were in desperate need of some restocking too. So, we killed two birds with one stone and got all of that out of the way.

We totally went overboard on the grocery shopping though. Wendy was mentionning something about building another set of cabinets to make room for all the food. (<i>And all she needs is a single little excuse to do just that! That girl sure does love her power tools!</i>)

So then, I discovered after putting all the groceries away that it was all a trick to convince me to do the dishes, clean the kitchen, sweep and take out the garbage. Those waskily women...tricksy they are...very tricksy!

By the time I was finished it was time to cook dinner. We both made homemade pizzas. I went the traditional Sicilian Pizza route with Marinara with Fresh Basil and Garlic, an Olive Oil Thick Crust with Parmessan, fresh Green and Black Olives, Green Peppers and Sliced Pepperoni and Three Cheeses: Fresh Mozzerrella, Romano and Parmessan until it was almost as thick as a quiche. Wendy went the route of Sliced Baguettes with Pesto, Artichoke Hearts, Garlic, Olives, Rosemary, Basil & Thyme and a modest amount of Cheese. We feasted till we felt like bursting.

I retired to my room to play <b>Thief 2 - The Metal Age</b> but it turns out I don't make a very good Thief...although Wendy started teasing me and calling me Gollum as I sat in the dark hunched over the light of my computer moniter giggling and talking to myelf. Why is that every woman in my life equates me with Gollum? At least Wendy doesn't have a pervy hobbit fancier fetish like the last one.

As the call of work in the morning quickly approached I was left wondering where my weekend went.

Can't I have another? I'm not ready to go back just yet.

Friday night I went to bed early to sleep off the remains of my hang-over. Not a very bloody good time, really.

Saturday morning I was awoken from a call from my boss. Granted that's what he pays me for. We had a bit of a situation that needed to be handled promptly and with an iron-hand in a velvet glove kind of way. So my entire morning and early afternoon was spent doing just that.

Sooz showed up mid-afternoon to rescue me. We spent the day combing fabric stores for patterns and fabrics and buttons for the Victorian Gothic-Aristocrat outfits we were going to make for Convergence XIII. I settled on the following:

1. Black Velvet Cassock (Butterick 6844)


2. Black Velvet Victorian Formal Dress Jacket with Tails (Butterick 3721)


3. Silver & Black Jacquard Victorian Vest (Butterick 3721)


4. Black Velvet Victorian Dress Coat with Black Lace Accents & Lace Dickey(Simplicity 4083)


5. Burgundy Brocade Victorian Waist Coat/Vest (Simplicity 4083)


6. Ox-Blood Crushed Velvet Cape & Lace Jabot. (McCalls 4550)

I probably won't be able to finish them all in time. I figure if I get 1-3 and 5 done I'll be happy enough.

We then headed for the barbecue and party at Jacob's & Whitney's. When we got there a party was sure enough in full swing but neither Jacob or Whitney were there. It was rather awkward because everyone there knew eachother but neither of us knew any of them. Rather than be a wall-flower as I am prone to do, I actually confronted everyone head-on, made introductions and promptly tried integrating myself into the various social circles.

I really have come a long way in the past year and a half!

Sooz wanted to leave because she mistook the college students at face value as good old frat boys...however, having engaged them in conversation I found them all to be rather delightful company and worthwhile conversationalists. Sooz trusted in my opinion and decided to stay a little while longer. I am pretty sure she wasn't disappointed.

Eventually both of the hosts returned and the festivities continued on through the night until Whitney and Jen got the idea of dragging everyone who was willing to the Erotic Ball at SOU. Sooz and I went last year with Amanda and although we were dressed the part quite well in bondage gear, we were the only ones wearing anything that might be even remotely considered "erotic" so we didn't seem to mind going without anything to wear for the occasion.

It ended up being just the three girls and myself. Believe me, I wasn't complaining! ;)

I remembered how much I miss college when I was booted out of Jen's dorm room while the girls changed and got locked out of the complex while I had a smoke to pass the time. In order to get let back the two girls who answered to my knocks told me I could only be let in if I asked nicely in both French and in Russian. Thankfully I was in luck and able to marginally do such in both languages. It is always flattering when I can impress women with even the most seemingly impossible of requests.

We ran into Monica, Signe and the host of usual gay-bois. This year everyone but Sooz and I showed up in some form of lingerie. I felt horribly out of place. Eventually Sooz and I abandoned Whitney and Jen to the whim of the gay-bois and headed back to Jacob's to rejoin the men (and Ann) that stayed behind.

Much merriment was to be had. I don't remember what time it was before we said goodnight and departed for home, but I was glad to have had some well earned fun for once.

All work and no play makes for a very boring Mark after all.

..
Since so many of you keep asking me what is happening at Convergence XIII and apparently would rather her me espouse it's wonders rather than clicking on the hyperlink to their website to find out for yourself, I have compiled the following from their website for you.

ITINERARY BRIEFS

Thursday, May 24th, 2007

Main Events:

• 4pm-7pm: Early Check in at the Hilton Hotel
• 8pm-2am: The Dark Frontier at the FEZ Ballroom

Friday May 25th, 2007

Main Events:

• 12pm-6pm: Ballyhoo's Boutique Vendor's Bazaar
• 12pm-6pm: Art Exhibits and Silent Auction
• 2pm-7pm: Meet and Greet, Rookie Rendezvous, Model-Photog Hookup
• 2pm-7pm: Apothecary Runs every 30 mins.
• 4pm-7pm: Official Check in
  
• 4pm-5:30pm: Shanghai Tunnel Tour I
• 5pm-8pm: Eldergoth Cocktail Reunion at Bistro 921 & Bar
• 5:30pm-7pm: Shanghai Tunnel Tour II
• 8pm-2am: Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde's Night of a 100 Elixers at the Crystal Ballroom
• 8pm-12am: Bands/Performers upstairs, DJS upstairs/downstairs

Saturday May 26th, 2007

Main Events:

• 10am-6pm: Ballyhoo's Boutique Vendor's Bazaar
• 10am-6pm: Art Exhibits and Silent Auction
• 12pm-2pm: Portland Spirit Cruise**
• 12pm-2pm: Panel Discussion I
• 12pm-2pm: AGF Clothing Swap
• 2pm-4pm: Panel Discussion II
• 2pm-5pm: AGF Shopping Trip
• 2:45pm-4:15pm: Pittock Mansion Tour and Picnic
• 4pm-6pm: Panel Discussion III
• 4pm-5:30pm: Shanghai Tunnel Tour II
• 5pm-7:15pm: Murder Mystery Dinner
• 8pm-2am: H.G.Wells's Time Machine at the Crystal Ballroom
  
Bands/Performers upstairs, DJS upstairs/downstairs

Sunday May 27th, 2007

Main Events:

• 10am-6pm: Ballyhoo's Boutique Vendor's Bazaar
• 10am-6pm: Art Exhibits and Silent Auction
• 12pm-2pm: Panel Discussion IV
• 1pm-2:30pm: Victorian Sunday Mourning Rehydration Service at the Old Church
  
• 2pm-4pm: Panel Discussion V
• 3pm-5pm: Victorian Mad Hatter's Tea Party, David Cole Queene Anne Victorian Mansion
• 4pm-6pm: Panel Discussion VI
• 8pm-2am: Bohemian Ball and Masquerade at the Crystal Ballroom
Bands/Performers upstairs, DJS upstairs/downstairs

Monday, May 28th, 2007

Main Events:

• TBA: Mourning After Farewell Brunch
• 8pm-2am: The Funeral Party at the FEZ Ballroom
Bands upstairs, DJS upstairs/downstairs

• Pre-Raphaelite Art Exhibit and Silent Auction
• Portland Saturday Market
• Magic Lantern Theater (film room)
• PDX Garden Tour (self-tours): International Rose Test Garden, Japanese Gardens, and Portland Classical Chinese Gardens

( Detailed Descriptions of Events to Follow )

I have one month to somehow obtain some Dark Victorian formal wear. I have determined I need the following items for Convergence XIII:

• Top Hat


• Cane


• Pocket Watch


• Opera Glasses


• Cuff-Links


• Frock Coat


• Waist Coat


• Trousers


• (I have plenty of formal vests and shirts)

The problem is that if I purchase the first couple of items on that list I won't have the money to obtain the clothing on the list.

However, fortune would have it that I have an awful lot of black Bridal Velvet screaming to fulfill it's dharma. There is also a fabric store going out of business here in town where I can probably pick up some black Brocade for cheap. So, I just need to locate some patterns for Men's Victorian Frock Coats, Waist Coats and Trousers. I have no idea where I am going to find patterns. Somehow I suspect that neither McCalls nor Simplicity have a Men's Gothic Victorian Formal Wear patterns I can just pick up at my local fabric shop.

The other thing is that I had to leave my sewing machine behind in the move (it was one of thoe old style ones that had it's own hardwood folding sewing table that weighed like 2 tons). I don't suppose there are any lovely seamstresses out there that I could seduce for stealing some sewing machine time?

My daughter woke me up at the crack of dawn. She was in a wonderful mood and wanted to get an early start having a day of one-on-one time with her father. Especially since the rain had stopped and it was a beautiful spring-time morning, she felt all the more anxious having had to spend the day before doing inside activities all day. As I told her that we couldn't go until she cleaned her room, she decided she'd rather cuddle for a while. Being the sucker, I totally fell for that. However, I didn't completely forget. When she was done getting cuddles she tried convincing me to hurry up so we could go. I still made her clean first (I'm a cruel slave-driver).

It took her almost 4 hours to actually stop dragging her feet and do what had to be done, but she did finally fisish (and without protest, attitude or a single complaint). When asked what she wanted to do first and foremost today she said she wanted to go see "Meet the Robinsons" at the movie theatre. We checked the movie times and it was only 10 minutes away but being on foot it would take about 30 minutes to walk there. So my daughter cries out "Then we better hurry and run all the way!" and bolts out the front-door. Of course, I have no other choice but to chase off after her.

I wish she could run that fast when we are late for catching the bus for school in the morning! She had at least a two block lead on me and kept turning around to laugh and tease me by saying "Hurry up slow-poke!" or "See what happens when you don't quit smoking!". It took about five blocks to finally catch up with her. (Maybe she's right...maybe I do need to stop moking!"

No sooner had I caught up with her and we started walking hurriedly hand-in-hand did a Medford cop stop us and began interrogating both my daughter and I. It would seem that in the 2 minutes it took us to run five blocks someone had not only called the police but the police actually responded! He said they were especially concerned because the reports said that some goth was either abusing their child or trying to abduct a child. WTF? So being goth means that we kidnap and eat babies now? Nevermind that my daughter was laughing and giggling and obviously in a great mood and far from being frightened of being in any danger, but he seemed very suspicious and kept mentionning that if I hadn't been wearing all black...

So let me get this straight...if I was wearing a baseball cap and a dirty wife-beater with holes, I wouldn't be singled out, harrassed and discriminated unlawfully against? WTF?

Thankfully, before I got to chance to get his card and ask him for the name of his shift-supervisor my daughter told the cop, "Excuse me, sir...we are late for our movie and I *REALLY* don't want to miss it. Good-bye!" She grabbed my hand and started running off down the street again, dragging me along. The cop really seemed shocked and didn't know what to say in response. He followed us all the way to the movie theatre though.

Really, don't they have some skater kids to harass on this fine Sunday, or maybe some lesbians to chase out of town or some other demographic group to discriminate against just because of profiling? Seriously, if they were that diligent at busting Meth labs I don't think Methford would have the reputation that it does.

We didn't let it ruin our day. We still got to the movie on time. Yse absolutely enjoyed it and was inspired to start inventing things again. We played video games afterwards (my daughter pointing out the video-game with the Blue Screen of Death and asking me what the hexadecimal error said) and then went and got ice-cream and then played on the playground on our way home, got to plant some vegetables in her new garden, and now aer waiting for the coals to die down so we can have a barbecue with my room-mate.

So far, it has been a good day. I'm still in shock though about earlier. Granted, no harm no foul and all that sticky jazz, but it sure makes me long for the open-mindedness of Ashland once again.

I've been spending some more time reading the Gor Novels by John Norman. This has been a relatively recent foray for me considering I so rarely read fiction as I really don't have the time and would much rather spend what little time I have to read on works of non-fiction (Umberto Eco being the sole exception to that rule). However, several of my female friends have gotten me hooked on the Gor series this past year.

I had been familiar with his books ever since I was a small child. I remember seeing his paperbacks with their male-centric fantasy art covers with a barbaric man holding a sword and a scantily-clad buxom woman chained at their feet literally everywhere, from the public library to used bookstores. I seem to recall trying to check out one of his books at the library when I was 7 only to be chastised by my mother because his novels were considered to be sexist.

As I grew up I heard the same sentiments echoed through many of my feminist friends, and even one my feminazi girl-friends. I valued their opinions and took their literary criticisms to heart, spurning his books and never daring to read them for myself.

Verily, from the mid 1980s to the mid 1990s as political correctness and especially feminism gained steam, it prompted consumers and interest groups to take action against the sale of Norman's books, including petitioning retailers. Norman's books were removed from bookstores and libraries, and publishers even blacklisted him.

Imagine my surprise when I started meeting one female after another this past year who claimed that this series changed their life or molded them into who they are today!

It rather shocked me to discover that John Norman is a professor of philosophy. He holds a Ph.D. from Princeton University and is a professor at Queens College. Granted, any doctor or professor could still be a sexist pig-dog, but it somehow gave what he had to say a level of credence and legitimacy that I hadn't before considered.

So, I started reading them.

I discovered that his novels, although on the surface seeming to be nothing more than male-centric fantasies of softcore Bondage & Discipline erotica, actually include rather lengthy philosophical and sociological dissertations criticizing the malaise of modern society. His fiction places emphasis on living in accordance with a Nietzsche-esque natural order, sponsoring a hierarchy of talent, especially strength. Based on this assumed hierarchy, combined with a particular usage of evolutionary psychology to analyze gender differences, he contends that woman is the submissive natural helper, and figurative slave, of dominant man.

( Long-winded diatribe to invoke inflammatory comments to follow )

So I have been dying of boredom and withering away from lack of new stimuli for far too long. I reckon it is time to do something about that.

It is time to make plans and to flawlessly execute them.

Unfortunately, it would appear that I have put things off till the last minute so it is going to take some cracker-jack timing and some penny-pinching to make sure they happen.

First up: Coachella. Definitely the largest music festival on the West Coast and perhaps the largest music festival in the States. 3 Days...120 Bands, including VNV Nation. Oh yeah! Unfortunately it is in 17 days. Fortunately, I don't have my daughter that weekend (although she probably would love it). I guess I won't be getting that 22" Widescreen LCD Monitor for my computer after all. If I can pull a miracle and score 3-Day Passes and Hotel Reservations, is there anyone who would like to go in halves with me? Hell, I'll even rent a car for the weekend if I have to.

Convergence 13. The biggest Gothic Music, Art and Fashion Fest in the world. This year it is going to be in our own home state in the fair city of Portlandia on May 25th - 27th. This year's theme is "A Dark Victorian Dream". I guess I better have my Potion-Master's Jacket ready for this one! Unfortunately the Madhatter's Tea Party and the Murder Mystery are all sold out. However, there is still music from Abney Park, Faith & the Muse, Frontline Assembly, Reliquary, Skinny Puppy, and Jill Tracy to look forward to. I know that Karen and Vanessa are already going to this one. Anyone else want to join us?

VNV Nation. If I miss them at Coachella, or really like their performance, then I'm going to catch them on their Judgement Tour the 25th of June in San Francisco. It is at the Fillmore (isn't that where all the kewl bands play?). Anyone like to come with?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Movie Premiere on July 13, 2007. Wendy, her son, my daughter and I are all going to dress up for the movie premiere. I'll be going as Professor Snape, my daughter as Hermione Granger, Alex as Harry Potter, and Wendy hasn't decided yet. It will be a blast...although we better buy our tickets early! Who else wants to go with us? Costume optional although it gives a great excuse. Everyday should be like Halloween!

In October I want to make it to France for a couple of weeks as a treat for my birthday. Amanda is going with me on this one hopefully. The hard part will be saving up enough money in time. I'm down to the wire, but if I am frugal enough I can still do it. I'd hate to have to wait until next Spring, even though springtime in Paris is something that everyone must experience at least once in their life...I'd rather miss the Tourist Season and not miss Opera Season.

Elsewhere in there I need to plan a trip to Dante's, the Coast, and maybe a couple of hiking trips. Is there anything else going on that I'm not aware of that I certainly shouldn't miss?

As we move through spring and the earth around us wakens from it's long slumber through the long, cold winter, so do I find myself groggily waking up as if from some long somnabulistic haze. I look at the world around me and realize I have been asleep for far too long and have missed this sense of clarity, this focus of purpose that once guided my every step. As I emmerge from my hibernation a song echoes through my head:

Sooz treated me to lunch yesterday at the Thai Bistro. That was an unexpected, but entirely welcomed, event. I was still feeling a little shy of social interaction (like a Vietnam Vet with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), so I wasn't very talkative. However, I did sit there and listen which it sounded like such was exactly what Sooz was needing. I think she needed a chance to vent to someone other than her mother about the weekend she had to endure.

Since no good deed ever goes unpunished I offered to cook dinner for her. Actually the last thing I wanted to do was spend the evening cooking, but she's worth it I suppose...besides I'd be cooking for Wendy too and although she may not always voice her appreciation I'm hoping she is deep-down inside.

So, I cheated and did a repeat of Saturday night. I attempted to go one step further by making Wild Rice (cheating further still by making it from a pre-packaged box) but that failed miserably into a soggy, mealy mess. Well, at least the grilled Chicken Breasts came out absolutely perfect.

Since Wendy seemed upset or perhaps just distant during dinner, Sooz and I disappeared off to my room to give her some space. Although Sooz had brought the new "Star Trek: The Trivia Game" that she just got (OMG! I thought I was a total Trekker, but that game and it's trivia questions were made for the totally obsessed!) we decided to watch a movie instead. We settled on Full Metal Alchemist: The Movie and although it was with sub-titles instead of over-dub (I swear Sooz is the *ONLY* Anime fanatic I know that prefers dubbed versions) it was pretty nice relaxing and chilling out. Unfortunately, we both got so comfortable laying in my bed and hiding beneath the covers to keep warm that we pretty much took turns falling asleep. We barely made it through the film before saying good-night.

(The ironic part is that after Sooz left I was wide awake until 3:00 am!)

Even despite the comments about how much weight I've been packing on this winter, it was nice getting comfortable with Sooz being around so frequently again. Too bad that when Spring Break is over it will probably return to just Thursday nights again.

To be honest, I've never had thick skin.

In my youth, I just grew distant, detached and eventually grew a disdain for everyone else to compensate.

Oh yeah, and those barbed-wire fences, mine-fields, automated gun-turrets, and other such defenses helped quite a bit too.

Problem was, I did such a good job at it that I never let anyone get close to me at all.

Now that I am older, I long to have people close to me. Through the years I've reserved opening the door only to lovers, but after realizing that I have the tendency to make rather poor choices in my selection of lovers, and finding many a dagger in either my heart or back (or both!) I've come to the conclusion that I need to let friends in and keep them intimately close to act as my surrogate first-line of defense.

Last year was a testament that such a strategy works most well. However, I'm beginning to think that perhaps I may make just as poor choices in my selection of friends as I do lovers. There are a handful of tried and true friends that I would trust without a question and that I would gladly lay my life down for. However, they aren't as common in my life and are usually off in the shadows or just a phone call/e-mail away. The ones that are more common are perhaps not as nurturing and supportive as I may like. Matter of fact, sarcasm and ridicule are more often than naught the norm with them.

So what do I do? Throw back up those barbed-wire fences, mine-fields, automated gun-turrets and other such defenses to keep everyone at a healthy distance, or do I just kick my everyday friends to the curb and find new ones?

I know I score an I.N.F.P. on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and that being more emotionally sensitive and empathetic(and thusly more reserved and reclusive because of it) I am bound to get wounded much easier by flippant comments made by the self-absorbed, careless, or inconsiderate. I have learned not to look at such things in light of each event but to look at the over-all scheme of things. And normally, given a night's rest, all is forgotten and overlooked. However, especially in times like now when my self-esteem is still at an all-time low, I really could do without the added derisiveness from others around me.

It got me thinking and spending some time in introspection as well as some digging for answers. After cataloging the issues of which I am aware of, and the root causes of them, and weighing whether or not I need to keep them or whether I may have perhaps out-grown their usefulness, I discovered that I have an awful lot of traits in common with those that have Avoidant Personality Disorder. (Figures I'd be a likely candidate for having a Personality Disorder after dealing with two lovers in a row who had Borderline Personality Disorder!).

So, anyone familiar with Treatment techniques for Avoidant Personality Disorder that I can explore on my own? I'm still considering limiting my contact with friends that are more careless than others and down-sizing their role in my life, but I figure it can't hurt to work on treating something that may be causing me more unnecessary grief than need be. Besides, I'm never shy of rolling up my sleeves and doing anything that might improve myself.

Saturday Bill stopped by for a spell. He was looking kind of lonely and lost since Erik was in Seattle for the weekend. As the weather was kinda nice and thanks to the manic efforts of Wendy the back-yard was looking spectacular, we decided to hang-out in the backyard by candlelight and barbecue. We grilled chicken breasts and roasted vegetables. There were countless comparisons between Martha Stewart and myself which I had to smile and just endure. (Not to mention the whipped, broken, and domesticated jokes that were in plentiful supply as well!) Thankfully there was beer, so I began to drink after I got the prep work done and started the fire. (Actually, I never understood the male nature to drink when playing with flame, but the two are as perfect together as peanut-butter and chocolate!) It's a good thing too because I began to feel not only picked on but a bit like a third wheel too, so the alcohol helped a wee little bit. The food did come out perfect (except Wendy's that wasn't blackened and crispy the way she liked but after 40 minutes on the grill it wasn't going to get any more blackened or crispy). I really don't think I'll be cooking indoors again, if I can help it, until October.

Sunday Sooz and her friend from Ohio stopped by to visit. They brought Pizza and beer and had invited Erik and Bill too. Wendy looked at me perplexed asking if we were having a party and just forgot to inform her, so I threw her a perplexed look back, shrugged my shoulders and said "I guess we are!". So, we all got merry, full and a little tipsy. Sooz broke out Munchkin and we all gathered round to play. That was interesting. Let's just say that since now my aged friends are properly trained in Munchkin they are now fully ready to incorporate the TFC-friends that have all grown-up. I don't know if Wendy was having an absolutely miserable time playing the game or she was suffering from ADD, or had too much to drink, but she lost interest about half-way through. I know I personally had had enough of the teasing and cruel comments. More than once I was feeling overwhelmed with the pointed jokes and had to remove myself from the room and take a break to calm down a little. Everyone took their turn crossing the line (remind me why I have friends again?). Thankfully it wasn't much longer until the game was finally over. When it came time for everyone to leave Sooz started lingering and looking for excuses. I finally realized that we were all a distraction to keep her from having to spend time alone with Mr. Ohio (which I found it rather amusing that everyone but Wendy purposely refused to learn his name and just kept calling him whatever they wanted). I let her stall for a little bit longer but eventually sleep was necessary and we had to say good-bye. Hopefully she will be able to endure him a little while longer. She only had like 5 more hours before his flight was to leave.

Tonight, I think I am just going to hang out in my room and watch the Season Finale of Battlestar Galactica with Wendy. I really don't think I have the stomach for dealing with anymore taunts and teasing from friends for while.